Dress Code

There's a vast history of etiquette, some of which is based on good behavior and common sense, but much of which is intended to be a marker that a person is "part of the club," knows the arcane rules and is willing to abide by them.  Always keep the King to your right, and if walking together, stay one pace behind.  Shake hands to reassure all that you are not armed.  Take off your hat with your right hand but immediately transfer it to your left.

The custom of "evening wear" is actually just an acknowledgment that after spending all day riding around town on your horse, it might be nice to wash up and put on some other clothes.  But the fact that it became a system of clothes that were perfectly clean and perfectly pressed and (often) perfectly white was meant to indicate a degree of wealth, in that:

• you could afford extra clothes just for courtly events;
• you could afford to pay household staff to keep them clean and pressed; and
• you could afford a coach, horses, and a horseman to bring you to the party still tidy

So, especially in light of the recent nuptuals between Kate and William, the question has arisen: what forms of etiquette are appropriate for our wedding?  Here's a brief guide.

When attending the wedding—

1. Clothing shall be selected only on the basis of comfort, cleanliness, protection from the elements, and suitability for walking on grass and/or gravel.  No other formulas for appropriate garb will pertain.
2. The innermost chairs will be held for those with active roles in the ceremony; other guests may sit as they please.  There will be no groom's side or bride's side, as we will not be concluding the ceremony with a rugby match between the families.
3. The following are not permitted:  firearms, knives with blades longer than 4", vuvuzelas, steel cleats, or foreign substances applied to the baseball.  Play hard, but play clean.
4. The groom shall not be allowed to see the bride in her wedding garb until the moment of her procession across the lawn.  This may drive him nuts, and certainly she's been allowed to see his nice new suit and even to choose between the two shirt-and-tie combinations he was considering (a choice upon which they agreed), but does he get any inkling at all about what she's wearing?  Noooo...  (Also, the groom shall not be allowed to whine any further about this.)

When attending the reception—

1. Participants are assigned to a table for dinner only, and are not bound to this arrangement before or after.  Specific seating assignments within the context of the table shall be self-determined.
2. Participants may wear the same clothing they wore to the ceremony, or may change into a second ensemble.  The same criteria of comfort, cleanliness, protection from the elements, and suitability for walking on grass and/or gravel shall apply as they did to the afternoon.
3. Returning for seconds from the buffet is permissible. Perhaps even encouraged.  Perhaps more than seconds. 
4. The piano is available for free and communal use.  However, it is considered bad form to begin playing your rendition of "Free Bird" while the wedding band is in mid-set.

A guide to the wedding couple's clothing—

As it is considered uncouth to "upstage" the wedding couple by wearing clothing more formal than theirs, here is a guide to their ceremonial garb.

The Groom will be wearing a pale summer suit, dress shirt, tie, pocket square, a plantation hat, and his least comfortable shoes.  At the reception, he will be wearing something similar, but the shoes will actually bend to some degree.
The Bride will be wearing... well, who knows, really?  Certainly not me, Mr. Groom... I've been conspired against by at least half a dozen women, all of whom have seen the bride and the clothes (and sometimes the bride IN the clothes) in incandescent light, in fluorescent light, in direct sunlight, in muted and dappled light under a pear tree, and gently illuminated from the left by Liberace's candelabra as he plays Clair de Lune.  But me?  Nada. 

[Referee's note — whining penalty assessed against the groom.  Carry on.]

You can be grateful that Wanda is no longer associated with this wedding; she would have requested that you all wear a certain color palette (with Pantone chips included in the invitation), and you would have had to show your polo club membership key fob to the valet to get your car back.