Women of Uncertain Age

Five weeks... Seems oddly a long time and yet an eye's blink since the ceremony. There are images that are embedded in our hearts and others that seem already to have escaped, and we are lucky to have friends' photos to remind us and show us some parts of the day that we never saw. I never saw the array of potluck dishes nor the decorated cheese cake, and despite Patty's entreaties to come start the food line, I was too...busy. 

But now in retrospect, I understand some things that were mysteries before - notably why this wedding was so important to a number of our friends.

I have already noted that one neighbor noted that if I could get married ("oh! Your mother must be so happy!"), then maybe her 40 year old son might marry. Funny. And there are a number of people who have noted that if I could get married, maybe so could they. Somehow that can be read in a number of ways and some of those "readings"  are not good for the ego!  But I had a conversation with another friend, whose daughter is hearing the biological clock ticking. She has had her eggs frozen but has yet to make the decision to go it alone. I admit that seems an order of magnitude more daunting to me, than getting married. A single parent has to contend with all the decisions for another person for the next two decades or so. H and I can make our decisions together and can still live independent lives--but being fully responsible for another human being with no one to share that responsibility seems enormous to me. In any case, I asked my friend whether my wedding at this tender age eased that fear of being alone for her daughter (if she can do it, I can) or made it more difficult (if she can do it, why can't I?). "Well, my daughter would like to get married sooner rather than later," my friend said. "But it was great to see the two of you so happy. Some ...[pause]..some.. ah... older women just seem to get married for the... companionship."

This wedding has clearly surprised some people. Far more friends have described tiny ceremonies in a judge's office or with a small group of people at a high end restaurant. They have been surprised by the number of people we invited, and the stories they have told have been of  marriages for health insurance or a green card. And this seems more common among our friends than the Busby Berkeley productions of "My Fair Wedding."

So now, from the other side of this great divide, as a married woman, I realize that the state of matrimony is more than a promise made between two people. It is an opportunity to look at one's own life and remember, compare, dream. When H asked me to marry him, nearly a year ago, we had no idea that my answer would mean so much to so many.